My love life…is in shambles. we were together for a year. he ripped out my heart. but I’m trying to get over that. boys shouldn’t be allowed to have this much power over my happiness. he’s stalking me. literally. calling me, having other people call me, driving past my house a million times, stopping in front of the house blasting music late at night, walking past my house at night when he thinks I’m asleep and won’t notice. I’m in a constant battle with myself to try to get over him. I want him in my life, I do. but he can’t be the person that I need right now. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for how he’s treated me or how he’s talked to me, or the things he’s said to hurt me. no one would believe my life. this is shit even the best soap opera on tv couldn’t write. He hit me with low blows about everything when we broke up. I dropped 5 pounds in the first few days after. My head is spinning and my heart is aching but trying to heal. I can’t have someone who just wants to walk in and out of my life. I need someone who’s going to be there. he needs to grow up. he said he doesn’t want to be with me, doesn’t love me, doesn’t need me. so stop stalking me, ok? if I mean so little to you, after everything we’ve been through…a relationship that lasted the last year, a friendship that started when I was just in my teens, you’re really not worth my time. I deserve more. END OF STORY.
Filed under: My Love Life | Tags: Bubble Bitch Slap, Katy Perry, Life, Lyrics, Pink, Relationships, Roxanne Corrine, Rumors, Songs
Per Pink’s song “Heartbreaker”, my life seems to becoming that song. Let me explain: At the beginning of my relationship, I lived by the lyrics of “Heartbreaker”…word for word that was what he was says and how I was feeling.
“Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
Cause I’m always watchin’ for someone to show their darker side
So maybe I’ll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you really stick around”
That’s how I’ve lived my life, How I’ve been with him from the beginning.
Here I am now. at a crossroads. where I’m suspended in time and in air. my thoughts are a spinning mess.
Actions speak louder than words don’t they? aren’t we raised to believe that? if so, have I been DEADED?
Its like…watching a car accident. You want to be able to help, you want to turn away, but you can’t. You’re just sitting there…watching car 1 smash into car 2, when car 2 doesn’t see it coming but you see everything. is it possible to be the observer and car 2? cause I think I am. Honest to Blog.
You get those feelings, you notice little actions that are different. but you hold on to the idea of what it was/could be/should be/what you’re working hard for it to be/become. You listen to them rather than that little voice inside you that’s SCREAMING at the top of its ittie bittie lungs for you to just listen!!!
But you turn a blind eye & keep a deaf ear. You listen to your hope. Your Dreams. And your partner.
You hear people talking. You cast them off as “HATERS”. You have faith in your relationship, your other half.
But what about when you get a slap in the face? all of a sudden, your little happy bubble is bitch slapped, what are you supposed to do? Evidently the way that I cope with bubble-bitch-slapping is crying like a little kid who just got told her puppy died and cutting my hair off like I’ve suddenly turned into “Roxy Scissorhands” cutting off my (past shoulder) shoulder length hair. what promises am I supposed to hold onto when my boyfriend says “I’m not going to see you for a while, I have to get my shit together, I’ll hit you up”…when you’ve been living together for MONTHS, You’ve spent 98% of your time together (cause you genuinely are friends & can hang out with each other and your friends, having a good time). Tell me, what the fuck is a girl supposed to think and do?
So here I sit, blogging, listening to music, talking to my best friend (holla!)..trying to figure out all my life’s mysteries, all while sitting here in his fucking hoodie. I’ll never learn, will I?
So I’ve got two songs that are what I feel right now.
- Hot N’ Cold – Katy Perry
- Ur So GAY – Katy Perry
Thank you Ms. Perry for writing the words that are on my mind, and singing them to stupid boys all over the world with your up-beat tempos & acoustic powers. (more…)
Filed under: My Eating Disorder | Tags: Bulima, Eating Disorders, Life, Roxanne Corrine
Ugh
Not many people in my life are aware of my private struggles. A handful of people do.
- Sherry (My best friend)
- Amanda (My other best friend)
- Chris (My other best friend)
- My Mom (even though she doesn’t know EVERYTHING)
And that’s it. I keep things to myself which is probably one of the reasons that I have an eating disorder.
No, its not the media’s fault. No, looking at pictures of Nicole Richie didn’t spin me into an uncontrollable frenzy.
I’ve had an eating disorder from the time that I was 16. I’d starve & over exercise, throw everything up, eat no more that 300 calories a day…. (more…)
Filed under: My Life, My Love Life | Tags: Family, Life, Relationships, Roxanne Corrine, Rumors
Well, lets start off with: Happy 4th everyone. I hope everyone is having an amazing one.
As most of you already know, this is my second (ALL NEW) wordpress blog. I made the first one back in 2006 and ended up deleting that account and stopped blogging in it, but I decided its time for a fresh new start, so here we are.
Happy 4th
Family, Life, Realizations
I just got back from visiting home (orange county, NY) because my cousin (Teena) had a graduation party, she’s finally out of high school. so yay!! it was a really short trip, I was only really there a day, the day of the party and even though I thought I’d be cool with that I wasn’t cause I just found myself wanting to spend more time with my family than I thought I would. so I’m a little sad still about that. boo. I’ve definitely realized that my family is extremely important to me and the older I get (even though I’m only 21 right now) the more I see that.
You know what its like though, you’re stuck in one place & you can’t stop thinking about how great a different place is, but then you get there and its like ‘what was I in a rush for?’ which was basically my reaction when I got back to VA. I found myself sitting here just wondering, why I was in a rush to get back here, why I thought it was important. I still don’t have the reason for that. BLAH.
Yesterday I had a really long talk with my best friend (sherry) about a lot of things going on in my life right now. My personal life, my relationship with my boyfriend…you know girl things and ramblings that I had bottled up because I hadn’t talked to her in a week or so because I was busy & she was busy, I was outta town, etc.
Well one of the things that I realized yesterday was that I definitely have one of the best friends that anyone could ask for..sure we’ve had our stupid little spats, boys have tried to come between us, but no matter what we’ve always been there for each other & will always be there for each other. we’re partners in crime. nothing can ever break 11 years of friendship. and when she’s willing to say that she’ll punch you in the face for doing anything remotely dangerous for your health, you know its true sisterly love. 
Is it just me? fuhh
I’ve been kind of distant with everyone in my life lately. my problem is, there are a lot of things going on inside my head and its plays with how I feel, which unfortunately makes me push the people in my life away that I love and care about the most. I try to keep that in check but it seems like lately I just can’t seem to. but I working on it.
However life is a two way street and when you don’t feel like someone else is willing to be there for you, why waste your time to work on the way that you treat them?
Word
This is truely going to eat me alive if I let it, so let me just state this:
Rumors…whether they turn out to be based on truth or not can kill someone inside when its about them, or their family, or their life, or their relationships. I always choose to take the higher road in my life and not give in to the petty gossip of jealous people who can’t stand themselves or their lives so they choose to try to take me down with them and rip everything in my life apart. I refuse to belittle myself like that. however I wish that people would get a life of their own and leave my name, my family’s names, my best friends name. my boyfriends name, etc out of their mouths. honestly is it really that self satisfying to pour salt on wounds? or to try to make wounds and rub salt on them? yeah I don’t think so. How about we all choose to be the nicer person, Fuck the petty high school trash talking.
After the age of, I’d say 14, don’t we know better? internally. yes.
And when you’re in a relationship with someone, aren’t you supposed to be protective of your relationship? so why try to shit talk behind the other ones back? isn’t it a known fact that anything you do in the dark will come out in the light? (more…)
